As you think, so shall you become

"As you think, so shall you become".  

I have these words taped up in my medicine cabinet.  Every morning when I put in my eyeballs (contacts) I see it.  And it's true.  I have no idea if Mr. Lee actually said these words, but it doesn't really matter.  He was a cool dude anyways. But the words, they mean something to me.

For years my inner dialogue had a bitchy version of my mother's voice nattering at me,
"Who are you kidding, you're not going to lose that weight, or if you do, you'll never keep it off"
"What are you wearing THAT for, you look like a sausage, no one wants to look at a walking sausage"
"You will never be as good as so-and-so, so why even bother?"
"Just face the facts, you are loved for your personality, not for your looks"

Now don't get me wrong, my Mom would have NEVER said these things to me. She would have said things that she thought would help make me make my life better, "Lose weight, clean your house, be a good wife!"  I loved her dearly; she was a hard person to live with, but was a fiercely loving woman, with a brilliant mind and fucking awesome sense of humour (thank goodness for that, as I was always getting into ridiculous and irresponsible situations).

No, that little fucker on my shoulder, the one with my Mother's voice, was my own construct.  The narrative that I had written by and about myself was horrible and mean, lacking in compassion and love.  I would have never talked to another human being like that, but for some reason it was ok to talk to myself like that.  And I said these words to myself enough times over 40 years, that I started believing them; and I was sad and depressed, and feeling like I wasn't worth the time and the effort to make any changes.

I became aware of the concept of Mindfulness this last winter.  Being aware of the aspects of my life to which I have been blind.  For me it was my language and how I spoke of myself.  I would always say "I can't", or "there's no way I could do that", or "I fucking hate yoga"........
(did i just say that?  oops)

I have changed my choice of words and story line over the winter.  Now I say "I will eventually do that", "give me time, and I'll get there", "Wow, I am so proud of myself for doing that, Now I am going to work towards the next thing", and of course "I fucking love yoga!!"

I just had to change the way I talked about things.  And it has started having a positive affect on everything I do.  I say yes to things that sound and look hard, I willingly do something that I know will be uncomfortable and possibly painful for the first few tries. There is something in the psychology of how we talk to ourselves which makes an impact on our actions.  I don't quite know how it all works, but I intend to find out.

I'm not preaching to you here.  I REPEAT - I AM NOT PREACHING TO YOU HERE!!  Your body, your mind, your life.  I don't assume to know what diet or course of action is best for anyone but myself.  I am preaching to ME.  This is all my inner dialogue that I am sharing, which at first, I was terrified to share - What if someone laughed?  What if someone thought I was pathetic?  Who the hell wants to see a 240 lb middle aged woman roll on the jiu jitsu mat? Now, I just don't give a hot damn what anyone but me (and my family) think about me.  When I got to this point of not giving a damn about other people's responses, I felt free.  What a feeling!  I am also shocked at the way I was able to make this turn around, simply by talking about myself differently. This blog helps me.  And perhaps my words might someone else who has the same struggles as I. If you need them, they are yours to use.

Anyways, I have some goals that I'm working towards this year.  I think I can attain them. It will be father-effing hard, and sometimes I may be a sobbing, snotty, bloody mess on the floor, but I will get there. I have an amazing, AMAZING, amazing group of people backing me up, and I am grateful and awed at the love and support they have given me in the last year and a half.  I am blessed.

My goals for 2018/19

- lose 8-10 lbs/month (yes, it is attainable, I've proven it once already). I will have to stick to a regimented modified Keto, but I know I can do it. I will be one of those crazy folk who will occasionally post pics of my meals. Apologies in advance.

- replace said fat loss with muscle gain- by doing construction with my husband throughout the summer, and getting someone else to run the Resort on-premises convenience store (which is full of junk food, and ready made foods). I will start weight lifting in the fall when I have access to equipment.

- achieve one full push up (if not more) by the end of August of this year (I can do a half push up on my knees, but bench pressing 200+ pounds is a little difficult for the average overweight girl).  I have taken to doing yoga every morning when I get out of bed for 10-20 minutes, and will segue into modified pushups next week.

- start jumping rope. I believe that if I practice mindfulness as I'm jumping, I can avoid some of the issues I have with running. It will be a way of working on my coordination as well. We'll see if I'm right.

- put in 2-3 sessions on the punching bag per week until next fall, when I will begin attending both jiu jitsu and kick boxing classes in Winnipeg 5-6 times/week. I will also use it as an opportunity to hang with the Boy Child, as he loves holding the pads for me.  We take turns, and call each other "Awesome".

- Practice mindfulness in the same way that I train my body - I believe this is key to my whole plan coming to fruition.  As you think, so shall you become.

These all lead to my ultimate goal for the year.  I intend to be ready, physically and mentally to compete in my first Brazillian Jiu Jitsu tournament sometime next spring. I will need to work hard to get there.  REALLY hard.  I fully intend on being the middle aged lady on the mats, kicking ass (and perhaps convincing at least one unsuspecting person to tap out HA!)  I don't know when one will take place, but dammit, I will be ready. This will mean I need to be fitter, lighter, faster, and smarter. I will be the little red engine that could.

I think I can, I think I can, I know I can, I knew I could.

I'm sure I will have to tweak things as I go along, but if I'm honest with myself, and don't make ridiculous excuses for not doing the work, I will get there.

The saying on my fridge.

I'm the little engine that could, dammit.